Name: Hawkeye
Living where the sidewalk ends...
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Home is where the heart is.... but home isn't a place, person, or tangible thing- it's a sense of being. Sometimes we spend our whole lives searching for home only to discover it was always with us just waiting to be found- often times- again. Home is our foundation, our stable rock core, that which is impermeable by outside invaders yet still allows its occupants to leave and explore the world as they desire. And as long as we know where and what our true home is, then we are never truly homeless.
Tonight I had my first teary eyed homesick night in many years and I've spent the last couple months feeling as though something's been missing despite being unusually happy with life in general. I couldn't tell if it was just the fact I hadn't seen my parents since June, or if I missed my parents house.... or if it was me missing my old life back in NC, missing my old friends there.... or if it was me feeling like I'd lost direction in life again, or maybe pursuing an occupation that wasn't satisfying or utilizing my education.... or if it was me just feeling really alone in a 80 year old farm house sitting on 2 acres in the middle of rural Ohio, all by myself with only a little black dog as a companion. In fact, the night started with just me crying for no apparent reason so I decided to finally sit down and figure it out.
And then it hit me. The last 3 mornings in a row I've been waking up with music in my head. The last time I woke up with music in my head I had a piano or a keyboard ready for me to sit down at and figure out the melody. But 5 years ago I gave up my hobby as a musician... even sold my $3000 keyboard for $1070 to more completely pursue an education and career in victim assistance. Back then I thought giving it up would be the wisest decision. I didn't have enough time to play and also study for my master's degree. And I remember when I packed up that keyboard to ship to the purchaser it physically felt like I was cutting off my arms and legs, stuffing them in a box, and sending some stranger my better half along with everything else. Over time I stopped consciously missing my hobby.... I even stopped dreaming in music-- until the last three nights, that is. I'm not sure why I've started to dream in music again, but in my dreams I feel like I'm home-- and then I wake up in a place that's supposed to be my home, but it's truly not.
This is just a house I'm living in... just as my parent's house is just a house I used to live in... and all those other houses in all those other states and countries I spent my childhood growing up in. They weren't home... they were just houses. And it wasn't even my parents that made those houses homes... sure they made those houses feel more secure and safe-- and I always felt loved by my prents-- but they didn't make those houses feel like home. The only thing that made all those houses feel like home was my access to a musical outlet whether it be a a keyboard, piano, flute, clarinet--- whatever... as long as I had something to play music, then I felt safe at home.
I started on a little 3 octave Casio mini keyboard.... it was my escape from gymnastics. I spent 1000's of hours on that mini keyboard just because when I played I felt safe and that I was a part of something much bigger than my own experience and existence. To me, playing music was like going to church, it was my refuge, and each song contained specific prayers. All I knew was gymnastics was hell- after 6 hours of trying to figure out the cleanest way to kill myself during practice I would come home to my casio, cry, play and pray someone would save me- whether it be God or someone else. In the end, music kept me from killing myself from 9 until I was 12. It also kept me from killing myself from 14 until I was 18 stuck in a wheel-chair and crutches from multiple surgeries that tried correct the damages of those years in gymnastics so I could walk again.
Back when I was 9, because of gymnastics, I couldn't have a real social life so I spent a lot of time playing music. I started with the "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" pre-set lesson and figured out in 30 minutes composing was far more interesting. I composed my first song an hour after I learned how to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star but it took me a year of refining it before I was brave enough to let my parents hear it (even that felt like sacrilage and a violation of sacred privacy but I did it anyway because at some point every child likes to feel that their parents approve of what they're doing). Once they did, they went out and bought me a far larger keyboard-- one that actually needed its own stand and a seat to play it. I hated sheet music and formal lessons-- but they were some of the stipulations for buying the bigger keyboard so I went through the motions. Deep down I figured I didn't learn how to play with sheet music so why should I start? To this day, I still hate sheet music- however I've softened on my stance with formal lessons simply because my composition skills grew exponentially after finding the right training with the right teacher. Sure I can read it now and for various instruments after 20 years in music however, I still like my music to feel like it's actually a part of me-- not a part of someone else that I'm just tinkering with. Even in those other instruments I composed my own music. I just don't believe anyone can do or play a song with proper justice unless they are the creator of that song. The only way to play a song the way it's supposed to be played is to just sit at the instrument and let the music flow from your fingertips and into the world. That's how the greatest music of this world came into being...why try to re-invent the wheel?
Course it's hard to sit down and compose when you don't have an instrument anymore. And with all the major changes in my life over the last year with no musical outlet I think my musical cup has finally overflowed and that's why new compositions have started to seep into my dreams yet again. It's like I have a 5 year long list of music to bring to the world and I've been dutifully slacking. Now I realize sometimes you just have to stop fighting the natural flow of things and see where it takes you- it might take you where you've been wanting and trying to go all along.
So after figuring that out tonight I got out of bed and went online to see how much my old keyboard was going for now... my last keyboard was a Roland XP-80 Workstation... with all the fixings it cost a little over $3000 (with amps and speakers when that model was the newest thing on the market). I about died when I saw some for sale for as little as $450 barely-been used. I might get one if I find one for the right price... it's very viable food for thought.
If nothing else, at least now I feel I can go to bed again and actually sleep a little more peacefully with the prospect of not feeling as homesick in the future.
I was all excited about getting PADI Open Water Diver Certified this weekend, however the instructor for the course and pool work had her flight delayed and the dive shop called to tell me I would have to do my course and pool work next weekend instead. Grr. Ah well. I'm planning to go to Bonaire in the Northern Antillies at the end of January with several of my friends and it's basically a Scuba Diving Mecca of an Island-- that's pretty much all you do there so I wanted to be scuba certified. I would be the only one in the group that wasn't certified yet so I've been feeling a lot of pressure to get my certification done soon. There's still plenty of time to do it between now and then, but I've always wanted to be certified and now that the moment's arrived the disappointment that it's been delayed another week is tangible. I'm ready already! Ah well. I guess all good things come in time. I'm just excited. :)
Other than that, my foster dog Spock is proving to be an outstanding, loveable pet. He's got all the standard commands down pat and I'm now trying to teach him "Roll over," Give me Paw" and other such useless nonesense just for the fun of it. He's starting to lose his baby teeth too and it's quite entertaining. Right now he's lost a couple baby teeth from the front top and bottom. Now, when he sleeps the tip of his tongue slips out the front due to no barrier to keep it in. It's insufferably cute. It's like he's got a lazy tongue... and he dribbles water even worse now-- which I thought couldn't get worse but I was wrong. He's always been quite the dribble monster.
Other than that, nothing too new. Hope all is well on your end and take care for now!
As much as I hate to think about my mistakes in the past, I've come to accept the fact that looking back until we understand the mistake is the only way we can fully move on with greater understanding of ourselves.
I've been contemplating a comment an ex made about why our relationship didn't work. He mentioned that I simply had too high expectations of him, and rather than accepting him as he was and staying in a relationship, I only wanted perfection from him and couldn't accept his flaws or let his mistakes go.
And from that I started to wonder what exactly 'Unconditional Love' was and if I truly believed it was possible to unconditionally love someone. I came to the conclusion that, yes, it is possible to love someone unconditionally despite their flaws- HOWEVER having a healthy relationship with someone is conditional on a number of factors like time together, environment, the physical and emotional availability of the people involved, and the affects of past personal experiences in relationships and consequent coping behaviors (their baggage). Unconditional love with the right conditions creates the ideal relationship most of us strive for.
On the less ideal end of the spectrum of unconditional love: We can love someone unconditionally to our own physical and emotional detriment. And If that's what is expected of us in a relationship, then that expectation is too high. With that perspective under my belt, I then had to analyze what exactly I was expecting of him and if those expectations were too high.
I expected him to not sexually assault me, not hit me with the car, not drink excessively every weekend to the point of irresponsible behavior that threatened my own and others' physical safety, and not throw things in anger in my general viscinity. Sure I loved my ex unconditionally, but the conditions that would foster a healthy thriving relationship with him just simply were not present.... and that's why the relationship failed. My expectations of him were not too high. These were the only reasons we argued- they weren't petty problems, they were huge nagging problems. Anyone who knows right from wrong and has a conscience knows this kind of behavior is wrong and shouldn't be tolerated. Yes, we can stay or leave the relationship still loving a person unconditionally-- but being expected stay in a relationship with these harmful conditions is a too high an expectation in and of itself.
I think too often we don't see the line between unconditional love and conditional relationships. It's one thing to love someone despite their flaws and differences... another thing to actually be able to have a healthy and predominantly happy relationship with them. We can love someone unconditionally, and watch them marry someone else because we've accepted the fact that they are happier with that other person. We can still love them even if they're with someone else. Unconditionally loving someone entails respecting their decisions and boundaries. We can also love someone unconditionally and help them move into a new town 1000 miles away to pursue their career because that's what they think will make them happier in life. Just because they move doesn't mean we have to stop loving them. Unconditional love doesn't change, but conditions are always changing and you never know if, how, and/or when they'll change.
In that light, yes we should always strive to love unconditionally, to accept others and their decisions as they are, and to always strive to create the ideal conditions for the ideal relationship. But when the conditions don't keep us physically or emotionally safe- don't expect yourself to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with that particular person. Leave and wait to see if the conditions change. If they don't, then you're better off loving that person unconditionally from a safe and happier distance.
And lastly, if someone expects you to stay in the harmful conditions of an unhealthy and unhappy relationship, then they are the ones that have too high expectations of you and they haven't learned what uncondtional love truly is.... not the other way around.
So Spock got groomed today and I had fun taking pictures of him. The groomer mentioned his coat was so ugly because his previous owner hadn't fed him enough and whatever they fed him wasn't nutritionally sound for a growing puppy. She cut his hair until she found the new healthy silky hair and then stopped. Course once she cut the hair off you could tell he was on the skinny side and that was just a sad reminder of his history. But here he is sitting pretty, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. :)
Before:
After:
He might look like he's up to no good, but he was just watching me make beads. Spock's a good boy.
Now if I can just get him house-trained... that continues to be a challenge. His biggest problems are the mornings. Even if I get up at 6:30am that's still about 45 minutes too late for him even with a quick walk at midnight. Otherwise he's able to hold for at least 4 hours... 5 and a half is stretching it... and 6 is definitely not happening at this point. But we've been consistent with 4 to 5 hours which is great for a 4 month old who'se been caged up his entire life.
He's a work in progress, but then, aren't we all...
So I caved and now fostering a new puppy. Havanese, born 4/4/2008, male, neutered, microchipped, and very sweet and quiet. He's predominantly black but he does have grey socks and grey sprigs on his eyebrows... which is why I named him Spock. I gave him a bath and these grey sprigs were sticking straight out like Spock's eyebrows-- so Spock it is. Course right now he looks just like a big black fluff ball, but tomorrow he'll be seeing the vet and be groomed so he'll somewhat resemble a puppy dog. I'll take another picture tomorrow, but of course like every mom I had to take the proverbial "First Day Home" picture. lol
He was munching dinner- he's now puppy napping so I'll go out and get him a dog bed real quick while he's out of it. He has yet to bark.... which I think is a good sign that he'll be a relatively quiet dog. Come to think of it, I don't think my parents' havanese puppies bark much at all either. We'll see. Knock on wood. Just need to get him house trained now which might be a little difficult being he's already 4 months old. Usually they're half way house trained by 4 months. Cross your fingers that that won't become a hassle either. Otherwise, I'm comfortable with my decision to be a doggy mom and looking forward to turning him into a good family pet.
Ah well... Spock, meet world... World, Spock....
I mowed my yard today.... with a power push mower..... by hand.... all 2 acres of it.... it took 5.5 hours.... I smoked myself. First hour went by like a breeze, second hour started getting tough cause I started doing the bank by the road and that was pretty steep. I took a short 10 minute break and drank 40oz of water and went back out. Now mind you it was a pretty decent day to mow. It was only about 87 degrees out and it wasn't humid and there was a light cool breeze, but I was still sweating like a smoked pig.
By the third hour -- well lets just say you must smell bad when you start attracting buzzards. Two started circling and swooping down to investigate me more closely-- buzzing around my head so closely I could actually feel the wind from their wing beats each time they passed. After about 45 minutes I think they figured out I wasn't dead--- I was just a really smelly human being after nearly 4 hours of mowing. They flew off to find something else to eat. Thank god. Quite an unnerving experience. They are ugly bastards.
I took another quick break because my muscles were starting to twitch with fatigue and I remembered I'd forgotten to eat anything for breakfast and it was already 3pm. So I had a little bit of cottage cheese with French Dressing, a small piece of dill pickle, 3 slices of sandwich sliced ham with mustard, a diet pepsi and another 20oz of water. I literally had to force myself to eat... for some reason I felt like throwing up the moment I started eating my sliced ham but I knew I needed to eat.... so I ate it and kept it down. Took about 15 minutes and then I was out doing the last hour and half worth of work.
By the time I was done, it took pretty much all my strength left to wheel the lawn mower back into the garage and put the weed eater and leaf blower back up on the wall. My arms feel like useless pieces of meat at my sides even after trying to choke down half a regular Pepsi and another 20oz of water. I feel nauseated and I know I should eat something but everytime I think about eating I feel like gagging. Liquids sound more appetizing than anything else right now so I think I'll just drink water and gatorade the rest of the day.
The calories burned calculators I use say I burned between 1475-1700 calories for power mowing by hand 5.5 hours and somehow I actually feel like I burned that many if not more. I'm smoked.... I've never felt this smoked in my life....
But I have to say the yard looks awesome. :)
I've been in the process of puppy shopping since May. I finished figuring out what breed I want- I want a Havanese like my parents have simply because they are supposedly hypoallergenic and don't shed, and they are smallish- but not too small. I've learned from my week-long trial with a beautiful Chocolate Lab named Rosco from the local shelter back in May/June, a Lab is simply too big for me to handle on my own, and generally too big for this small house. She was so precious- she followed me at my heels all over the place and, consequently, I kept tripping on her-- the tripping was made worse by the close confines. And ultimately- apparently I'm allergic to them. Rosco wasn't a good match with my schnoz. So I decided a Havanese would be the perfect size for this small house and for my physical ability to manage, as well not as bad for my allergies.
Size is also important when it comes to the amount of food I'll have to buy each year... larger dogs eat more-- smaller dogs eat significantly less. Simple. Also finding temporary housing for a smaller dog in case I go on vacation for a couple weeks is easier than finding housing for a larger dog. People are just more willing to take care of a small dog than a larger dog. What's better is my sweet neighbor here has two shi-tsu's (one is a puppy she just got 3 weeks ago) and has already offered to take care of my puppy if I ever needed her to... and I've of course offered the same service to her also. It's nice to have such a sweet neighbor.
I've also figured out my price-range-- which was important mainly because, unlike my parents, I honestly can't afford to pay nearly $2000 for one (and they have two-- I often wonder if we live on the same planet our lifestyles are so different-- I can only hope one day I'll live in their world where I can afford to pay that much for a pet). Yes, I want one from AKC champion Havanese bloodlines, however since I'm only looking for a pet and not a competitive show dog, something between $600-$1000 is, in my humble opinion, a reasonable price range for a Havanese. And included in that price, I want the puppy Microchipped.
As for color and sex, I want a Tri-color female-- preferably tan, black, and white.
After doing all this researching for the last few months, I think I might have found her finally. If I decide to purchase her and send in my deposit to reserve her I'll post her picture. Her name is Hanah and I'll be able to bring her home August 22nd. She's gorgeous and they're offering her at about $675- including microchipping. Otherwise the search will continue. So please cross your fingers for me and Hanah- I would love to have a new companion for the next umpteen years.
It was such a gorgeous evening I went out at around sunset and took some pictures of the lake behind my house and of my new garden... my first summer Glads are starting to bloom. If you click on the pics you'll be directed to it and others that are in my Flickr photostream. Enjoy! :)
It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.
~ Mohandas K. Gandhi
It is a wholesome and necessary thing for us to turn again to the earth and in the contemplation of her beauties to know of wonder and humility.
~ Rachel Carson
The sufficiency of my merit is to know that my merit is not sufficient.
~ St. Augustine
Life is a long lesson in humility.
~ James M. Barrie
Humility is knowing you yourself desperately require forgiveness as the greatest of all needs.
~ Martha Kilpatrick
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
~ Emily Dickinson
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