The Beginning at Every End

I used to imagine I'd be something special-- but I'm not.  I used to imagine I was meant to do great things, save the world, or at least my little corner of it-- but I'm not.  I've come to learn the hard way that I'm just an ordinary person doing ordinary things... and that's okay.  Some of my old friends and readers here have asked what I've been up to ever since I moved in late January.  Where am I?  Rural Southeastern Ohio.  What am I doing?  Simply enjoying life.  How and Why?  Because I had a car, I wanted to, and it was the right time.

I used to try to play superhero at a desk, pushing keys on a keyboard, crunching numbers in hopes that someday it would somehow make a real difference in the long run.  The only problem with that life was I always hated being at a desk, I was developing carpal tunnel syndrome, and I always hated math. 

Then my ex-bf hit me with my car after he got drunk at a New Years party and that was the beginning to the end.  The company of the community I was about to buy my new house in went bottoms-up and cleared out of all their holdings in Charlotte literally over-night, and three weeks later my ex-bf kicked me out of the house expecting me to be able to afford the 5 hour commute each day from my parents to my job.  So I decided it was time to quit.  Besides, how could I live with myself knowing I was living up to being one of the biggest hypocrites I ever knew.  Who was I kidding?  How could I save others when I couldn't even save myself?

Perhaps it was the acceptance of that fact that ended my apparent run of bad luck.  After telling my closest and oldest friend what was happening, he told me he needed someone to house-sit while he spent months at a time traveling for his military job.  He invited me to live there while I got back on my feet since he was going to be away for so long.  It worked well for both of us in the end. So in the middle of a snow storm in the end of January, I moved to rural SE Ohio with only one bag of clothes and all the supplies I needed to relocate my bead and jewelry business, all stuffed in the back seat of my Camry.  And that's how this new life started.

Now, I'm an On-Call Funeral Home Assistant.  I went from trying to keep people out of graves to putting people in them.  I wake up in the morning and drink my coffee on the back porch overlooking 2 acres of fresh cut grass leading to a 400-acre lake.  In the evenings I kickbox in my 1500 sq.ft. garage, a fully equipped Combat Hapkido Dojang.  Sure my work hours vary week by week, and sometimes I only work on weekends and double-time-- but there's no better job security.  Death happens.  The only questions are when, where and how.... and once those are answered, then it's: Do you want a plush casket, a pine box, or cardboard for cremation?

And I'm happy.  I genuinely enjoy working with the people I work with.  I've always wanted to come back to Ohio someday.  I love the house I live in now... not because it's the perfect size for me, but because it's safe and steeped in generations of love and respect- for family and friends a like.  I love the lake and the dewy grass. There is no part of my life that I'm unhappy with right now. As boring as that is to write about, but that's where I am right now.  Perhaps that's why I've been gone so long from this blog... there is no drama in my life, nothing happening to make me feel at war with myself to the point of needing to vent here. 

I love and I am loved.  I feel I'm living a satisfying and fullfilling life now. In the end that's all that matters... not how expensive your casket is, what all you accomplished professionally, or how many people attend your funeral.  In the end people are going to remember you for how much love you gave them and how much love your love inspired them to share with the world in turn.  As cheesy as that sounds, that's what people remember the longest.

So that's what I've been up to the last 6 months.  I do plan to post to the blog, but it may not be very often and it may be relatively boring news.  But I will periodically.  Until then....       

posted by: hawkeye at 22:26 | link | comments (6) |

Comments:

#1  14 July 2008 - 02:29

 

well stated. i'm very proud of you and your accomplishments. sometimes the best things in life are the ones we never planned, like in my case, and sounds like yours too.

i'll always read your posts, and never considered them "boring."

check your mo'mail.

(((hugs)))
A.

Amberley

#2  18 July 2008 - 06:49

 

good stuff. you ought to be proud of yourself.

howard

#3  18 July 2008 - 12:17

 

Good to hear! I've wondered what you've been up to...missed your posts, even your "boring" ones. Like I told my friends after dealing with a crazy ex...boring is good!!

*hugs*

p.s. I adopted a pup last week!

greeneyes

#4  21 July 2008 - 17:54

 

Your blog was never boring - it showed that you sometimes trod a circle - but who doesn't.
The jewellery, the gem hunting were obviously different and to me, interesting, but so too were your struggles - the roomie, the job, the illness, the exercise because you told it like it is and that is what blogging is about - a unique insight into other's lives.
As for now, I am glad you are happy in a different balance of living and aspiring. I think we all hope to do something to shape the world and for most of us, the most important thing we might do is just to live well - its not so easy! Living well includes as you so rightly say, loving others and receiving love given and when we live well, we are part of the whole of humanity so we raise the state of the world a little - an ocean is just made of many drops....
So I say to you - Way to Go!!!
Love
Frewin

Frewin

#5  22 July 2008 - 11:59

 

Somehow I'd missed your blog in the shuffle, and this post is a true gem. Your insights are dead-on, your perspective is fresh, and you tell it so well. I particularly liked: "I went from trying to keep people out of graves to putting people in them."

InMyLife

#6  22 July 2008 - 23:01

 

Thanks so much for your support... it's so nice to be back on motime again I sure missed your thoughts and blogs too :)

hawkeye

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